In a recent Salon, Athena coach Nakisha Hicks and Alala Linda discussed how to navigate these difficult discussions with authenticity and vulnerability, alongside a supportive environment of psychological safety.

What Makes Conversations “Messy”?

When we think of messy conversations, what often comes to mind is a lack of clarity, feelings of confusion, and the potential for conflict. As Nakisha explains, “messy conversations are those conversations that have to happen, but that we sometimes tend to avoid.” These are often discussions we fear might spiral into conflict or yield uncertain outcomes. We often worry that the conversation will not result in the resolution we hope for and instead will leave us feeling unsettled and misunderstood. Yet, despite this fear, messy conversations remain essential for growth and connection.

The Role of Authenticity and Vulnerability

In approaching messy conversations, authenticity and vulnerability are foundational in building trust, which is essential for having any meaningful conversation. Alalá points out that when we are authentic, “we show up as our whole self and our true self.” Vulnerability is about exposing our emotions, our wounds, and our uncertainties. When we bring both of these qualities into a conversation, we create an environment where trust can flourish. Without trust, conversations are stifled and progress is often slow or nonexistent. 

Nakisha further emphasizes, “in order to be in a space where you can be both authentic and vulnerable, there has to be a degree of psychological safety present.” This means creating a space where both parties feel secure enough to express their true thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. When psychological safety is present, people can engage in difficult conversations without the need to protect themselves, allowing for more honest and productive dialogue. 

Building psychological safety requires empathy—being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and truly understand their perspective. Ask “why” and remain curious throughout the conversation. This curiosity not only helps you better understand the other person’s motives and intentions but also signals to them that you see and hear them.

Preparation Matters

Preparation is key when entering a messy conversation, particularly when the stakes are high. Doing pre-work before entering these discussions is important. This preparation includes not only understanding your own needs and values but also considering the other person’s perspective. 

Nakisha highlights the importance of self-perception and how you want to be perceived by the other person. This requires emotional intelligence—knowing how you truly feel and what you want to achieve from the conversation. It’s essential to ask yourself: “How do I want the other person to experience me in this moment?” and “What am I willing to bring to the table to ensure that happens?”

Navigating Personal vs. Professional Conversations

When it comes to messy conversations, the question often arises: Is there a difference between personal and professional settings? Nakisha leans toward the belief that “everywhere you go, there you are,” meaning that your authentic self should show up in both personal and professional situations. While there may be differences in tone or the level of formality, the core of who you are should remain consistent across different contexts.

Alalá adds that the focus of the conversation may differ depending on whether it’s a personal or professional relationship. In a professional setting, the conversation might center more on outcomes and objectives, while in personal relationships, it may focus more on feelings and emotional connection. Regardless of the setting, authenticity and vulnerability remain central to building trust.

Balancing Power Dynamics and Win-Lose Mentalities

In any conversation, but especially messy ones, power dynamics can play a significant role. Some people enter conversations with a win-lose mentality, seeing the interaction as a competition rather than a collaboration. This can be particularly challenging in professional settings, where some individuals may be more focused on winning than finding a mutually beneficial solution.

Curiosity is a powerful tool in these situations. By asking questions and genuinely seeking to understand the other person’s perspective, you can often disarm someone who is entrenched in a win-lose mentality. Having a “touchstone” can help you stay grounded and focused on your own values, preventing you from being drawn into an adversarial mindset.

Embracing the Mess

Messy conversations are difficult but necessary. They require authenticity, vulnerability, and a commitment to psychological safety. By preparing ourselves—emotionally and mentally—before entering these conversations, we can create space for meaningful dialogue that builds trust and strengthens relationships.

Ultimately, messy conversations are less about finding a perfect solution and more about understanding each other better. When approached with empathy, curiosity, and a clear sense of our values, these conversations can become opportunities for growth and deeper connection.