Bold as Love with Priscilla Brenenstuhl

Justin Reeves
Hi

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Holy guacamole. Holy guacamole. I feel like this is just, I feel like this is just so funny. My you know, I am not prepared at all for my own interview. Like I, I felt like I have all this time. And then today we had loadshedding twice. Like this so meat like this is so me and so I can’t I just gotta go with it. You know what I mean? Like this is it is who I am it’s whatever um, and embrace it. And um yeah, you know, I feel like I set really I get really focused on I set intentions and then I like just like get carried away with the joy of life.

Justin Reeves 3:36
That’s That’s great.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl 3:38
And then I’m always like Wait why my family always said that I’d be late to my own funeral and they will always tell me to like like that something was starting like a half hour earlier before it was they don’t mean I’m giving away my skeletons in my closet

Justin Reeves
Are you are you already you see this is me theater be easy.

Music Insert

Welcome to Voices of Athena, today we are sharing a special holiday episode as we bring season one to a close. We also invite our very first man to the show. My colleague and friend, Justin Reeves, is our special guest host. The tables have turned and now I am in the “hot seat”. Today, he will be asking all the questions.

Justin Reeves
I am so excited today to have probably the most special guest we’ve had on the show so far. Your host, Priscilla Brenenstuhl. Priscilla is one of those people who we’ve all gotten to know a little bit during the voices of Athena season one. She’s incredibly gifted in pulling out the things and sides of people that might be hiding or that you might not expect. And that’s why her podcast is so wonderful to listen to. And I can only hope that today I’ll be able to muster up some of those musings, some of the hidden side of Priscilla that might be less than obvious to all of us. Priscilla, thank you so much for being here today.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Thank you, Justin for holding space for me, for encouraging me to share my own stories. And for being a light post with me as a colleague.

Justin Reeves
That feeling’s mutual. Thank you so much. So Priscilla, the bit of you that is more mysterious to me. I think that a lot of us know you as this really, really hard working and director of learning events for Athena lions, you’ve put on hundreds of events for the group, you run this podcast, you manage teams, but what people don’t necessarily know is that you practice and are certified and in some Eastern practices and including yoga, and you’re a doula. tell us a little bit more about what brought you there and how you how you came into all of that.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Okay, I was a teenager and it became blatantly clear that I was suffering with anxiety and that that was a common occurrence in my family. And that all the coping mechanisms that I saw around me were not working or didn’t seem to be working or even the people that were using them and somehow I got wind of yoga being good for for managing anxiety and it spoke to me and I started with an MTV VHS yoga tape. And I was like just doing it in my living room by myself. And I could tell the difference, I feel like life slowed down to a manageable pace can For the first time that I could remember in a long time, and I only get bits and parts of that, but that was enough at the time. And then I moved to Seattle to go to college, I was working at a preschool and I just started to really use it in the classroom as a way to get the kids attention and to quiet even myself down. And, and they started calling me yoga, and it was really effective. And then I just became more interested in it. Along the way, like I use breathing techniques, when I worked at the bar, to kind of give myself space, like, I would only have five seconds, but every time I could turn around a pour beer from the tap, there was nobody in front of me. And if they were behind me, they could assume I didn’t hear them. So it’s very busy. And I’m like, okay, I can use this. And then I saw an opportunity to move to LA. I don’t even know what that means. I left, like I normally do, I uprooted and laughed and said, My heart LA is calling me Let’s go. And I wanted to be an actress growing up. So I don’t know if that’s what that original calling LA but there was always a calling. But instead, I really found God I returned to God and Hollywood. I had this really fickle relationship with God, growing up kind of with religious doctrines that felt displaced and unfamiliar and unkind to me. So I shied away from all things, God gave me the heebie jeebies for a while. And suddenly I found myself in the biggest Kundalini yoga center in the country. I got a job right away, as it so happened. And I would find myself there 60 hours a week working and taking classes I got certified, I also got certified to teach prenatal yoga. And the thing about this yoga is it was so by way of finding God, it was so spiritual for me. And in a way that I couldn’t no longer deny there was like chanting prayer mantra. And I felt like in that time, I could actually become one with with my Creator and realize that I was one with all things. And so once you experience that once you like, and you realize what you’re experiencing, and then you realize that you have tools that can get you back there, it’s um it’s not something you ever want to walk away from. And then teaching prenatal yoga. I would have a number of students who would ask me to be their doula. And so I thought, yeah, why not take some training? Because birth death, you know, the juiciest parts of life are so has amazing to me. And I was just so honored that anyone would consider me to be there. So, so yeah, that kind of took over. And here we are almost 20 years of practice, later, at least 20 years of practice later. And it’s maybe the most important thing in my life, like people say, Oh, not your kids. And I’m like, I wouldn’t be half the mom. I was without this practice. And my kids deserve the best.

Justin Reeves
It’s amazing to think that you went to Los Angeles of all places, what is the city where people go to be discovered and where people go to be noticed? And you discovered something much bigger for yourself? Rarely, I think would somebody add into their story and I went to LA and I found God.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Literally in the heart of Hollywood

Justin Reeves
It is with me still 20 years later and and I wouldn’t be the woman I am today, had I not gone to Los Angeles. So let’s talk a little bit about this. It sounds like you, you’ve lived a lot of your life as a fly by the seat of your pants. Kind of let the world call you. Would you call it that way? Or would you would you say it’s, it’s moving? Because there’s a destination or goal in mind? Has it been moving to escape? Has it been there’s a lot of a lot of different ways people could interpret a a young vagabond like yourself. How How would you describe what usually drew you to move so many times?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah. Unless it’s a maybe the act of getting from A to V has sometimes been fly by the seat of my pants, because the transformation has come quickly. But the the provocation is my heart. Yeah. My spirit. Even if I I, even if I didn’t recognize it as God or God consciousness. I feel like I’ve always had, I’ve always been strong of spirit. And that’s meant different things. Sometimes leaning into a stubborn spirit, you know, but I would say like I feel in life, like I’ve always been called to things. Like I said, LA was something that I felt called took to even from when I was little. And no, I always kind of sense that there’s a time for me to leave. And it seems to coincide with a time when other something else seems to be calling me to go. And I don’t shy away from that, because I don’t have it all sorted out. Because Because the more I’ve leaned into that in my life, like the decision to, to listen to that has always been the most profound thing that I could do in terms of healingor like growing my community or connecting with my family, at pertinent time, so even leading me to my husband. So when you’ve had that much when you’ve leaned into your heart, and you’ve had so you’d have a life that forms from doing that, and that is so much more juicy than you could have ever imagined in your wildest dreams. It’s encouragement to keep doing that, even even though it feels like scary and ridiculous every time.

Justin Reeves
I can imagine, I can imagine it feels scary every time and I don’t think I don’t think many people in the world are cut out for such awareness of their heart and the pool and the draw that happens. I also would ask you if there’s ever a desire to settle, is that something? Because you’ve learned so into the hearts call? And and knowing how to listen? And following that?
Is there is there a part of you that feels like you’ve missed out or that you desire to have in the future, some roots.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
what you just said is super important, because at first it was settle. And that word reminds me of like sediment in a lake that just like falls to the bottom. But I think roots is really the right word. Because like as the roots grow in deeper than the plant shoots up further, and I do think that there’s learning and healing to be had in that process. And yes, I’m very interested in doing that. I’m very interested in doing that, especially now that I have my family and my husband.
A lot of times, I mean, there was nothing really keeping me in places most of the time. Like I think a family can kind of have that but but also I want like a lasting community and I want like land that I tend to and I want to grow foods and there’s all these apps tivities that I want to do, there’s all these ways I want to grow, that require routing to do so. And I don’t want to live in other people’s house, you know, I don’t rent anymore. I want to like have a house and build community in a really strong and lasting way, and I feel like routing is the way to do that. So definitely, definitely. I’m working towards that now.

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Justin Reeves
I’m curious how you would describe yourself today given that you’ve had so many formative experiences traveling and sounds like through relationships and friendships and communities and then becoming a mother let’s talk about both professional and personal Priscilla describing herself today

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
this might be one of the hardest questions in some way because I feel like an enigma and I just I just looked up the definition to make sure I was thinking of it the right way. I feel like an enigma even to myself

Justin Reeves
did you read the definition of enigma to us

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
it’s it’s a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand and I guess what I would say to that is in the journey of healing and traveling and deeply connecting with other people feel like my my worldview my understandings my capacity for compassion my consciousness is just expanding all the time. And so sometimes it’s difficult for me to attach myself to like a definition other than something that seems to be kind of in a continual state of evolution other words feel
so permanent to me.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
And one of the things I think I pride myself in most is my ability to change like, my ability to like change my opinion or open myself up to something

Justin Reeves
Let’s try this let’s let’s think about one thing that that you want people to feel who get to be around you or who get to talk to you like me what what do you hope people feel when they’re graced with your presence?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
How do I want people to feel when they’re around me? Oh, I want them to feel like nothing is off limits. I mean, I boundaries mean no boundaries and stuff, but I just want to feel like they can bring their whole selves to the party. The front and the back, you know, the professional, the personal, the silly, the playful, maybe did the dark humor, I just authenticity I will stand behind that I if I’m not authentic, I’m striving to be that almost at all times. At all times, authenticity.

Justin Reeves
So you’re saying himself in the workplace for the most part that you are at a barbecue with friends that you are around your own family that you are at a yoga class?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah.I almost don’t know how to do anything else. I like self destruct or something when I’m, although I love acting, that’s where I get into the acting world and I get to pretend to be something else. But like, in real life, I just I like when a bar from my mouth, I’m trying to like, pull back. It’s like I have a very visceral reaction. And then I’m like, why am I doing this my worry that they’ll think this way of me. And I still catch myself, you know, kind of editing myself out. But sometimes, you know, if you’re like the weirdest one in the room, you say the most like, outlandish thing, it really opens up the space for everyone to feel like they can, they can like relax a little and and then and then I and then we all get to like know each other on a more personal level.

Justin Reeves
I love that. I want to I want to be at a barbecue with you and show you my Wildside.

Well, so this, this brings me then to a question of what do you want? What do you want to leave behind? And I mean that by what do you want to be remembered? By? So I think people will always remember you as this, this gift in their life who? Who was so authentic and who taught so much. I think that you are a teacher without teaching or preaching and you just naturally have that. How do you see that? How do you see yourself when you’re gone? And what are the values that you hope your children and your loved ones will remember you for?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Thank you for the reflection that you shared with me on how you see me it’s really special, meaningful and I appreciate that. Okay, how do I want people to remember me or like my kids, what do I want to leave that life is so magical, beyond words, that heaven is a place on earth. And then it can also be hell or feel like hell and it depends on which day you wake up in. And that both days are valuable and meaningful. If you’re brave enough to slow down and seep into the teachings of the day and have those really intense emotions. Because it’s at the that’s the pinnacle of being alive of being human.

So I want I want to be remembered as someone who loves life who saw the magic in it all the time was so aware of the blessings all around me all the time. And you know, I want my my kids to just know that I loved them. And, and to feel that love and care for themselves like and so I try to do that with myself, you know, like I’m worthy of love that we’re all worthy of love. And that each life has miracles and is worthy. Yeah. Thank you for sharing

Justin Reeves
that. That’s beautiful and also important for everyone to remember that. Even those days when you wake up and you feel like it’s held. You can find beauty in the tiniest things around you sometimes and that enough can be a reminder that it actually is seventh grade,

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
or you don’t or you don’t find a view or you don’t find beauty. And you decide, wow. Right now I want to escape this feeling. But I’m not going to do I’m going to because it’s here for a reason. And because it’s valid, not all the beauty of the pretty moments are the art. The only valid things. I’m going to I’m going to sit here in the torment. I mean, the grief and the tears that I have held in my life. Only come because I also have the most outstanding joy.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
The most remarkable joy you know, when I cry for my grandpa who pass you know, my, because I do it I’ll just catch out of my a moment and my partner or my assembler Don’t cry, you know? It’s like no, yes, yes. These tears were were these tears came from an ocean of love. It’s just you know, how my tears were an ocean of love. And now their tears again, and they will they will pour out into love that can that can water that can sustain life, like, like, there are, there are in some sense, and I don’t want to like greenwash this or whatever. But like no bad moments, I mean, of course shitty moments, but like, but like even in that you’re like, oh, wow, this this too has placed in purpose and an opportunity to teach me yep.

Justin Reeves
you seem or you come across as a person who is fearless. It seems like a superpower of yours. And I know behind that there must be some fears in there. So Priscilla, what? What is your biggest fear or or fears?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
fearless warrior so many fears pop up. Oh, man. And the main one is losing that perspective that I just shared with you. Losing that face that is that it’s all in orchestrated. Higher than me. It’s all grander than me that I am just one part of a huge universe of serendipitous action. I don’t even know what to call it. But but but the thing that I just kind of went through in the last question, you know, that I would ever lose that. That I would I’ve worked hard to get to that perspective. And the idea that that that whatever leads me you know, to bear life without without that, you know, there was definitely a time in my life where just so depressed and felt like a victim. And I felt like nobody understood me. Nobody would ever understand me that the world was just this really harsh, scary place of mirrors, and smoke. And I God I don’t ever want to go back to that place. I don’t ever want to go back to

Justin Reeves
smoking mirrors everywhere.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
How old was I? Um, I feel like it started pretty early. Maybe like, well, I don’t know. Um, it definitely was creeping in there. And then it got more smoky. In my teenage years, oh, I was the epitome of teenage angst. That Wednesday movie that’s out now. I mean, she’s far cooler than I ever was. But it reminds me of me a lot. Like you know, in high school I was like wearing only black and I was like everyone is sheep. Nobody thinks for themselves and

Justin Reeves
Where are you living? Tell us a little bit about your your upper again and your your childhood and, and I just love the idea of picturing you as a angsty 9090s. Little goth girl probably. I’m guessing Midwest just because I hear a tiny bit an accent and there’s from time to time.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
I was growing up in Cleveland, I have three siblings, two brothers, one sister, I love you guys so much. And my parents were so we’re so young, and they had us I think my mom was like, 25, by the time she had four children, like, was at 25. Like, I was like, I don’t like breeze in the wind, you know, and she was 25 Without much stability or, or, or role models in her life. Or support. And, and I got the, the good and the bad of that. Which again, good and bad. They’re all relative. I got what was needed. I got the experience of that. Which was like at the very beginning a lot of freedom. I lived in this house, this apartment complex on last nation road.
I started a band called Lost nation, like go off. So epic. And that was so fitting, right? That was the precursor for my angst. But, you know, I really got to play outside all the time. And with friends in the apartment complex, it was easy. I felt like I had a lot of freedom. And so many friends have so active. I mean, everyone call me Nick, because I wanted to be like my older brother. He’s four years older than me, and I just think he’s the coolest human. And you know, my name is Priscilla. And I’m like, call me Nick. And my mom would always dress me and girly things. But we had to leave a bag of clothes, extra clothes at the office because I was always wondering play football and

Justin Reeves
talk quickly about your name, which I absolutely adore the name Priscilla. And I’ve talked about from I think the first time I ever met you. Your mother chose Priscilla because

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
it’s now beautiful. And I’m like, at first I couldn’t appreciate it clearly but, but now I’m like, Wow, mom. Well, my mom shout out her name is Rayleigh, which is very unique. And also like kind of singsong II which I like. So she’ll always say that she was going to name me Natasha. But my grandma had a dog named Natasha. And so it was like the idea was vetoed, but she’ll still tell me that to this day. So like, clearly, I live in her head isn’t Natasha, or there’s some kind of thing that didn’t get lived out there. But she did choose Priscilla and she liked the name and my grandma like loved Elvis, you know the life and I think that’s where she got it from Priscilla Presley and she loved the name and, and you know, I didn’t identify with it. I hated it. People call me prayers. It felt old and actually means ancient, so you can understand why it felt old and why a young child might not own that yet, you know, but I have really grown into my name and doing such I can’t imagine being anything else. I love my name.

Justin Reeves
I love your name as well. Thank you. I don’t see you as a Natasha so I’m really thankful that your grandmother stepped in

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
like that’s similar to Nicole you know, and I went through like a Nikki phase. I was like a nick and it was like a Nikki it was like a process to get here. Yeah. Like I said, ever changing. but we moved away. And to a new school I was in high school. And I just felt like the strangest person in the world it was way more like Middle Class Settings. And, and yeah, and I just my parents I was around my parents more and they became a little bit more like controlling. And I just rebelled the goods to all rebelled against it all, you know wearing black and I listened to really like Andy like musics a lot of screen. I think he really like fascinated with death and like called mysticisms. And yeah, I just thought everybody was asleep or unhappy. And I really, really didn’t want that. And so I was just trying to do anything to kind of escape that.

Justin Reeves
So you spent most of your angsty teenage years in Cleveland or around Cleveland area?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, this little town, like 40 minutes outside Kirtland, I went from like a graduating class of like, I don’t know, 100 or 1000. Maybe more than that to like, 80. And they were all like, exactly the same. And well, like for the most part. And you know, and like, I was like, way out there. And and I just felt like they ever I got robbed, or No, I felt like at that age, everyone was trying to kind of shut me down. Like I was too big for the for the room or something, or I took up too much space, or I didn’t take up the right space, or I didn’t say the right things. And I was like, I don’t give a f. But definitely, definitely I did you know, all that stuff always has a way of impacting you.
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Justin Reeves
I wanted to revisit something you said that struck me earlier, when you were talking about moments in life that can be painful and sort of sitting and, and, and getting through the pain. And you said that there was a moment when your grandfather passed away that you cried oceans of tears. And it’s it sounded like that. That must have been a pivot point in your life or a defining moment in your life. Would you describe it as such, and tell me about your relationship with your grandfather

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
and or his passing. I’m so big. And I’ve never kind of I’m a like a short story long kind of person. So my grandpa was like a father figure. He was around a lot. I lived with him when I was little with my parents, but also with him. He picked us up a lot to sleep over his house. And he was always like, encouraging those parts of me that I felt like no one else saw. Even like opera, music and theater. He was the one who always signed me up and took me to find ways to express myself and really encouraged me. So he was deeply meaningful for me. I guess the best way I’d say it is I feel like he was like my number one cheerleader. And he no matter where I went in the world, or what I was doing, he would call me all the time. Nobody else did that. I mean, I could go for months without talking to my parents. And I was always like, I had no one. Like, if it wasn’t for my grandpa, no one would even know when I died for like a long time, sometimes things but my grandpa was like that anchor that light house. And my, again, my heart told me when he was dying, like my heart told me that he was going to die soon. Even when I talked to him. I said no, no, I’m fine and you know, lots of time and you still going to the gym all the time. I’m and he was always actually very fit and active.
But it’s my grandpa. And there wasn’t a whole lot holding me in Cleveland. I wasn’t even planning on being there. But circumstances had me there with my then two year old
So I, I left my job and I packed up what I could fit into the car with my son. And my mom. She went, I mean, for the road trip, I asked him and I got rid of everything else. And I drove from Cleveland to Florida, I moved to go spend time with him because he didn’t have anyone else around him or a lot of support. And then I wanted to spend time with Him and be with him. And I had also been looking into doing death doula work. And so I’ve been reading a lot about it. And I was like, Oh, this is I mean, this is it. This is it in action. I just had this knowing, like I said, and so I drove down there. And I actually got a job like, in route I interviewed for Athena on the day I got there, and I got the job on Halloween, like, right when I got there, it was just, again, happenstance. When you when you follow your heart, like the path, it’s like the universe loves that shit. Like loves it and just wants to support it.

And, and I would live with him and my two year old son and a condo in Florida, for the next year. A little less than a year, and you would indeed pass. He passed that year. Yes. Technically, the following year, but it hadn’t been a full year since I moved there. And he, you know, he started off just normal, like gym and walking and doing all the things and then less and less and less. But he was convinced he’s just like, oh, yeah, I’m gonna get out, you know, I’m gonna do this tomorrow, or there wasn’t really this, like understanding of death. And it’s like, I had the understanding, but, but you know, if the whole world is telling you, it’s not happening, which is what was happening, he was telling me that and, you know, parents and having that, you know, then you start to like, second guess yourself, you want to push that on somebody, but I was just, you know, I wanted to like, if you’re dying, like, let’s like carpe diem or tell me your stories. And we didn’t get there necessarily, in the ways that I thought we would. But what we did is we got to spend this just organic, beautiful time together in his condo with my son. And like, as he was passing, I got to be there for the moments where he would wake up laughing, laughing and I run into the room and he’d be like, I was streaming and he was dreaming of I my brother’s not yet born son as magic really big and running up the football field and everybody chasing him, but no one could catch him and it just scared you he laughed and it gave him such joy. So kind of dancing between the spirit realms, and also making amends in certain ways. Like I remember him sharing with me kind of covertly, times that I think he felt shame for like times where he had been racist and grown up in a racist community and like he had participated in like, kind of that segregation or the bullying and, and he was telling, you know, he would follow that by saying, and I just love your son so much, and he’s so beautiful, and everything is good, and people are all good. And my son is mixed. And I think that was his way of just settling the score within himself and like speaking out loud. And I got to be there for the moments where you know, he was in lots of pain, and screaming and like, losing control of his bowels and falling and all of those things that you never want to see but you also never want somebody anybody, especially a person that you adore, to go through alone and it was so challenging, and there’s so many ways in which I was like I wish I’d done this better this better but no, it’s just me and my two Old time and dying Grandpa, you know? And not not a lot of tools or community or experience on how to like, handle it, you know? Everything I thought I knew or wanting to do like you know, he keeps saying I’m going to the gym tomorrow. I’m not gonna tell him different. Yeah, you are sure you are. And it wasn’t until the very very, very end within the last week that he actually looked at me and said, shit, I’m dying. Things and lots of pain at that point. And then he told me, you know that you get more beautiful every single day. And I laughed, like I’m laughing now. And he said, No, I really need it. So just those beautiful, yeah, so just, again, one of the most
painful, full of pain and sadness times that I’ve ever experienced. And yet, I would not change it for the world. I wouldn’t give it up. You know, again, I have ways in which I want to make it better more time we’ve done this but but I wouldn’t give that up for anything. And I take it as one of my greatest greatest blessings. And that’s what I mean about leading. Had I not leaned in, had I not listened to and I not gone on a whim without a job at a young kid and no whatever, then then what I would have had more safety but I would have had, I would have missed time with one of the people I love most and it’s brought me the most grounding and satisfaction and joy my life. Yeah, it was definitely worth it.

Justin Reeves
That’s powerful. If that’s not a reason to to follow the lifestyle of Priscilla let your heart and let your heart guide you, let’s say and listen to it, then I don’t know. I don’t know a better a better reason to not start living that way. That’s really special. Thank you for sharing that.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Thank you for making space and for listening.

Justin Reeves
So Priscilla, what do you think happens when we die? Oh

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
gosh, I have a lot of I like to stay curious about it. But I guess the the the overarching theme is that I think we leave human form and all that comes with occupying a human form can we return to collective consciousness and we reunite with infinite forms. It’s gonna feel really out there but this is just my truth and we unite with with formlessness and we really feel all the time are merged with creative consciousness we feel we there’s no separation between us and everything else. And it’s actually we’re free from the human kind of limitations. They allow us to navigate in a different way the navigational system of being human and we enter like the the soup of the cosmos and all the things and we have all knowing all understanding we become one with God we become God until we switch into a if for our again, and I don’t know I mean, and we end were that at all one time we’re the clouds and, and the breeze and the grass growing. I know I’ve been all of those things some some time or another

Justin Reeves
stardust

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
and stardust.Totally

Justin Reeves
Do you think that you’ll reunite? Are you conscious enough to reunite with energies of past loved ones in this afterlife or is it just a collective

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Again um again we become all one and then saying that there’s nowhere that we could go or we wouldn’t be connected to our loved ones past present future but our cosnscious I don’t know that our consciousness is so specific and that time you know like I also have the certainty though that I have been with the family that I have that I’ve been with my children many times many lifetimes we have we have shared and we’ve we’re just splinters of the same tree and the fact that I’m me and they’re them allows the me to be able to really dive into my expression of love for them. Because I think we’re like separate for the moment but yeah, it’s just like an opportunity this human form gives me an opportunity to to play and to appreciate and to experience all those emotions

Justin Reeves
you seem so close to God it’s it’s incredible talking to you about this because you truly do you exude this an enigmatic as you’ve brought up earlier to describe yourself person and belief system, right? Like, the curiosity behind it all the while I like to remain open because I’ve never experienced death. But this is truly what I believe in. It’s very loosey goosey. I mean, in terms of of, of what it could be. But there’s also pillars of like fundamental structure within it because you say that you will be with God during that time. You you bring in a lot of a lot of structure to the unstructured. But I love more than anything. How you don’t subscribe to an idea that you think you should have you truly say it the way it is, and it really talking to you makes makes one feel like you like you are enlightened and that you are closer to God. You probably are

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
they I mean, I don’t want to respond to that I’m more than just say I’m just a manifestation of God’s glory

Justin Reeves
will take that perfect.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
And you are too me whether or not you like leeway into that, you know, like, like, you can’t not be like you just can’t not be and that’s what I suppose back to the shame and stuff that I talked about earlier. Like, in my mind, we are all God’s children, like the fact that there’s like, oh, but there’s Hey, Zeus or Jesus or like, I’m like, Yeah, but we’re all God’s children. But what does that mean? We all come from God, we all go from God call it what you will practice it however you will get there is to understand it as you will but like, like, if, you know, we’re all we’re all here.

We’re all created from the same. There’s so much synchronicity and yet we’re so focused on like, the separation and like God is like a man in the sky or something like that just is like that’s, that’s like wild to me. And it’s totally fine. Like that’s I don’t mean that judgmentally and that’s what I try like when I say I wouldn’t want someone to feel that way if that’s their expression around me. You know, because of that if you get to God by relating to him as being a man in the sky, then like more power to you. You know, I just for me, a lot of times that thought has gotten me further from God or further from you know, that’s gotten me into like the shame of like, and fear and the religion and so that’s my that’s my own path. But I also want to be respectful that everyone’s path doesn’t look like mine. I love that

Justin Reeves
I love that we’re all God’s children you actually believe it and
you make other people believe it. Which is a great thing I believe that I am now because yeah

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
thank you wow,

Justin Reeves
I didn’t even have to move to LA to find

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
and I didn’t even know how good it would feel to like have somebody say that like legacy you want to leave behind and I think that sums it up like to feel that your gods like you come from God and you return to God, you come from the start, it’s your turn to start us like it’s like, for me that’s just fact.
Music

Justin Reeves
So let’s get into a little bit of fun here. Before we wrap up. I know that people are probably very interested to hear about some of the quirkier things, or maybe some of the more daring things that Priscilla has done. You live this firecracker life that people just I think so many people would be fearful to live the way you do. And, and you’re an inspiration because of how you do it. You do it with such confidence and grace. But I know throughout these experiences, there have been some, some moments that you’ve, you’ve challenged yourself. So let’s let’s just stick to the clear question. What’s the most daring thing that Priscilla, you’ve done?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Um it’s always has to do with what I just said, following my heart. And I think the biggest leap of faith and following my heart probably are what that half there’s there’s some contenders Um, holy cow, okay. I ended up in South Africa on a whim kind of, that’s where you are currently, yes, following my heart kind of whim. I found myself my backpack in South Africa, on Long Street in Cape Town. And it was the first day I put my stuff in a hostel, and I went to eat lunch. And I saw the most beautiful man I have ever seen to this day walked across the street. Like, and I just remember, I mean, as you as you do, when you see the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, and I was like, Thank you, Mama Africa. I never spoken Allah. But like you said those things that. And he and that man somehow became my husband and the father of my two children, but we have been through it. That was a process. I was definitely like, this is like a fling traveling, we live worlds away. He was not the type that I was used to being with

Justin Reeves
was talking because this is so amazing, but you’re leaving out a really important part you’re having so I’m picturing you just got to South Africa, you’re having a vegan lunch sandwich or a salad or something at some cafe. I’m just assuming here, your backpacks at the hostel, you see the most beautiful creature walk by? And what do you do?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
So, I’m clearly awestruck him and looking at him. And the sun shining on him. And it’s like shoulders are out there members just like running across the street. He look just like so full of life and happy. And he’s running across the busiest street in South Africa or like, arguably, you know, Cape Town anyway, and, and he he waves and smiles and I actually think I did something where like you look behind you even though there’s just like a wall behind, because I definitely didn’t think he even saw him. But he was in fact waving at me. And I waved and he kind of stopped for a second. And he actually remember a taxi like, you’re gonna gaze like we were sharing a gaze and a taxi like, like, brought us to life. And then he like ran off. And then I was just sitting there like, wow, state one. Just feeling very self-assured in my decision. Then
he, maybe five minutes later, he had appear back and he asked if he introduced himself and he asked if he could sit down with me. And I said, Sure. And when he tells a story now he’ll say I gave him half of my veggie burger, which like, was like a serious act of kindness for him like he is like, she was like an angel. She came to me didn’t even know it. She gave me half of her. Her sandwich. Um, And that that turned into like three hours of talking and then yeah, and I, but I still was convinced I’m like, Oh yeah, it’s fine. But this is easy and like, it’s just fine and whatever. And then I flew, I flew home after three months, and I was pregnant, I would soon come to realize very quickly that I was pregnant with his child was 33 and ever been pregnant, took birth control. And I realized on father’s day that I was pregnant, I woke up with just knowing.
, it’s just like a, it was just like a wow, wow moment. I mean, I was living between like, LA and Latin America and Northern California. I was like riding a motorcycle. I was at my brother’s my, my brother’s wedding. And my sister was pregnant time. I have my younger sister four years younger. And so everybody was talking about that. And at the same time, everyone was talking about how I’ve never made my pay everybody, but my parents are saying like, Oh, yeah, Nick’s never gonna have kids. So call me, Nick. Because, you know, she’s just too free spirited. She’s. Yeah. And I was actually pregnant too. And I wouldn’t start to say that the most fearful decision I made was to keep it because it was that was a big decision. But again, that felt so just guided and held and an unknowing but but that plays all into the story. So I called Joe and told him, and I put it very much this way, like, Listen. You know, I just thought you should know this, but you don’t actually have to do anything about this if you don’t want to, and, and he said, No, I want to be a part of it. And so we worked on getting him to the States, but that never worked out. First, I made the decision to have the baby. Then when Joe can come to the US, I made the decision at eight months pregnant to fly to South Africa. To be with him because he expressed that he really wanted to. And I felt like I mean, jeez, here’s this person who’s told me since day one that he’s you know, almost it’s our first date that he thinks I’m the mother of his children. And so let’s like go with this. And it just so happened I got a tattoo this and bold as love on the same on the first date night. It says bold as loveIt’s from a Jimi Hendrix song. And that’s really been my mantra. Bold is love, like, love is bold. And can you rise to that boldness. And so I made the decision to come to South Africa, and then it would take me way too long to get into all the details, but that was not the safest position at the time. And then, and then we got separated by immigration for four years. And I raised our son on my own. And then with the help of actually with the help of like the mayor of Florida, I got back into assay because of course we weren’t letting any Nigerians into the states but I got back into South Africa on Christmas Eve with my almost with our almost four year old son to see his father after he hadn’t seen him since he was like a week old. Yeah, and we’re still here and now we have another child so I think but I guess I think the overarching theme is I really did you know, following my heart I really did choose love. Choose this really complicated relationship with my my partner full of so many obstacles and no different cultures, different beliefs, different backgrounds. But also just the weight of government interventions and red tape, bureaucratic red tape, and I just kept choosing him and I just kept choosing to keep leaning in when everyone would say, you know, oh, how do you know that it’s even love? Or how do you like you’re gonna give up everything and go back there again after these, you know, two times and and I just kept I just kept choosing, choosing love and believing in my heart’s calling.And wow, I’m just so So in love with my family, including him. And, yeah, because you know, it’s just a different I realized after having my son like, I didn’t really know a love until that, and it took a huge leap of faith to kind of leaves lean in every time that I wanted to pull away or to come to him with vulnerability or to share myself or take risks that that was. That was something I never, I had never done so boldly before.

Justin Reeves
There you go again, the simple question was, what’s the most daring thing you’ve done? And you’ve turned it into this poetic, beautiful romance story where you’re practically like living vicariously through your love? Oh, you and you and Joe met, and the trials between it. I was expecting you to say something like bungee jumping or I got arrested somewhere. But nope. You have a way personal, everything.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Well, I didn’t go. I didn’t go shark cage diving. And I’ve always been terrified of sharks, even in my own bathtub like it’s one of those phobias, like your rational fear? Yeah, and so I did challenge myself to that, but that you know, that was a one and done kind of thing, and also was a beautiful experience. There’s such beautiful creatures. But But yeah, the truly daring things in life are far more daunting and lasts longer.

Justin Reeves
Isn’t that the truth? What about then, so so? Sharks, were one of your phobias? Do you have any other phobias or nightmares that you think about?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl 1:27:50
I mean, I’m sure there’s a couple of things but that’s mainly phobia, the I’m claustrophobic even saying claustrophobic makes my body feel tight, like I have to breathe through it. And it gives me the chills. I do not do well in confined spaces. Which I guess could tell rippled throughout the story. Um, I the idea of like, not having like autonomy to move, and like fresh air to breathe is like unbearable to me.

Justin Reeves
You seem like a person that inspires so many. I’d be curious to know who or what has inspired you?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Everyone inspires me, everything inspires me. All have to do is slow down for a second and I’m just in awe of everything. I mean, our bodies and the way they like breathe and stuff without us even thinking about it but then how we can like work with our breath to have even a different experience Psych class so mystical and I’m inspired by like, like I said this the synchronicities in life like I was just sharing with someone today that my my son SolRay and I knew what I was gonna name him like 10 days in. But he was born on like the hottest day that year in South Africa at like 10:30am with the sun scorching overhead like and then my, my youngest son Onwachi he’s which was moon and chief and Igbo and he was born on the biggest full moon of the year. And at 530 in the morning with the moon like shining right in the bathroom window where I birthed him those kinds of things, even smaller, so you don’t have to necessarily do that. But that lucky that’s what came to mind just synchronicities. people sharing their their vulnerability is people being open to learn new things. People being open to learn about themselves, people getting excited about anything. The way that the leaves rustle and dance in the wind. The way that that water right, I said that before transforms for our body and tears and the rain and the clouds and the ocean and the river. Like the I’m just inspired by so many things, so many things.

Justin Reeves
I love that.

All right, we’ll wrap up here in just a minute. I was thinking because you you have such knowledge, seemingly, of this divine of this closeness to yourself into your heart and to God. If if you are able to, if you were able to instill one belief in every single human being across the planet, right now. You literally have the power to make everyone believe one thing what belief Do you want them to hold to

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
I think it would be that they are a child of God. And I don’t and I it’s so weird to me to say those things because it sounds like some indoctrinated thing I’ve heard before that’s like attached to some spirituality I am totally polyamorous when it comes to religion, like I can find love in all of them. And that’s like the route I am not dogmatic and that way. And so I don’t mean to, I don’t, but I don’t, I don’t know that I have a better way to express it. But just to it’s not like a child of God. It’s like you are one with creation and the things that that you think separated from you are actually the things that allow you to experience it. Because you because our brain works in dichotomy, like you have to like to know what love is you have to know what what apathy is, or like, you know, to know what pleasure is you have to know what pain is because I feel like that just helps with the shame and with the self acceptance and self love. And I feel like so much of again, like a loaded word, but so many of the problems of the world come from self hatred, self dismissal, self deprecation self pity and when you when you when you know that you are God consciousness expressing itself it doesn’t mean you’re free from ever feeling those things but no, you know that that’s not your whole truth.you know, the opposite of those things, you know, self love, self appreciation, self wonderment. Yeah,

Justin Reeves
belonging purpose.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, that’s so important.

Justin Reeves
This has been a total roller coaster and I’m not surprised this experience with you. It’s exactly. I think what anyone would expect. You are. You’re a teacher Priscilla, and anyone who listen to this podcast is surely to have learned not just about who you are and what makes you as beautiful as you are. But more about themselves to take that gift and continue to spread it for all of us. We promise to not ever lock you in small spaces.We’re so happy this angsty screaming. Cleveland black wearing teenager awesome didn’t listen to her heart and can teach us all to listen to our own. And became Priscilla. The Priscilla we all know and love and the Priscilla who has so much more to give. Thank you for today, Priscilla.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Thank you, Justin. And I still can get angsty and listen to the heavy music. There’s just more more sides more colors in my palette. But I just don’t want it to be set. You know, like, Yeah, I’m not you know, there are times when I yeah, there are there times I feel I’ll have all the feelings inside of me and they’re all appreciated in one form or another and being able to touch on them go through the roller coaster. That is our emotions is very liberating. For me, and I appreciate you holding such intentional and thoughtful space to journey into each of those emotions with me and to share yourself along the way.

Justin Reeves
It’s been my pleasure, absolute pleasure. I love you Priscilla.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
I love you.

Music Insert

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
That’s a wrap on season one. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. If the whole “child of God” thing I mentioned in this episode doesn’t sit well with you for whatever reason, I’d like to offer you this instead- I hope that in your darkest moments, you can find belonging, even if it is to no one but yourself. Your existence in the very least is remarkable.
Your story matters.