On My Terms with Aishetu Fatima Dozie

On My Terms with Aishetu Fatima Dozie

Aishetu Fatime Dozie
I decided that I’d had enough of what looked on the surface of a really amazing life, that I was not very happy with that life. And I was living a life that was not on my terms. And I decided to completely upend my life. And try something new, I think I still can’t believe I pulled it off. I can’t believe I did it.

Music

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Welcome to Voices of Athena a podcast highlighting the more personal side of the remarkable women that make up the Athena Alliance, a learning community for executive women. I’m your host, Priscilla Brenenstuhl. Joining us today is Aishetu Fatima Dozie, Public Board Director, Audit Committee Chair, Finance Committee Member and CEO and Founder of Bossy Cosmetics, where beauty meets ambition.

Please tell me how you would describe yourself.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Oh, gosh, it started off with a hard one. So I would describe myself as someone who appears to have an iron is sort of a really strong, confident, bold, fearless, facade. But truly inside, is sensitive, is vulnerable, is often fearful. You know, he’s often anxious and nervous, and suffers from imposter syndrome. And those two can be true in the same person. You know, I am, I am very spiritual. I think that’s another way I would describe myself. I love to love and I love being loved. So I’m very close to my family and close friends. And I’m ambitious. I think, you know, every ambitious and resilient, you know, wrapping over this conversation we’ll talk about so I would definitely describe myself as someone who’s got quite a few battle scars, but is still in the game. And you know, you hit me nine times, I get up 10 times. And so I want what I want and believe that as a Belinda, there are difficulties but not limitations. You know, I’m sort of in competition with myself. Yeah, I love you know, very grateful spirit of gratitude. Three of these unhealthy children relationship postponed and postponed so

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
That was such a beautiful way, such a robust way to describe yourself. Something that stood out for me was I love love and I love to be loved. I felt like that is such an honest and genuine reflection and and something that I think you know if we’re all honest to ourselves, we all could agree on but not something that I’ve heard spoken out loud very often and it was very touching for me so thank you for thank you for saying that.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Ya know it’s the truth I mean I’m as you get older you you become more focused on, you know, first principles and just the bare minimum that you need to be, you know, mentally sound to go out and do all of these bold things. And for me, it’s really about relationships and how I, how I feel of myself and the quality of the relationships around me. So

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
yeah, absolutely. Me too. My, my family, I feel like my family has, I definitely suffer from imposter syndrome, but my family has given me with their love, and just my admiration for for my children, and my husband has given me a lot more confidence. And, and it’s definitely helpful to have that sort of figured out. I mean, of course, there’s always challenges. So it’s not I don’t want to say figured out because it’s always growing and changing, but to have a foundation of love and family. And it definitely lets me spread my wings a little bit further out into the world when I have that kind of nest to return to.

Who or what inspires you, and why?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Wow. So I’m inspired by Oprah Winfrey. And Beyonce Knowles, Carter. And I’ll single those two women out. I mean, there are lots of people in the world that inspired me, but those two
from Oprah’s perspective, you know, just to have come from absolutely nothing, and built an entire brand around herself. And, and her love of people love of connecting love of making sure people get seen and heard. And doing that with just an unbelievable level of brilliance and authenticity. For me, it’s just a master class complete, just master class. And you can tell she has enjoyed herself while she has, you know, built this unbelievable career. So the ability to, you know, have have very consistent relationships, Be your authentic self every day and have that be so magical for other people to feel like they have been given a platform, to speak and to be seen by millions of people in the world, you know, by virtue of their relationship with you, I think is really powerful. So I find her incredibly inspirational. And I think the path of Beyonce, you know, very similarly, but what I find amazing about her, is just this unbelievable commitment to excellence in your heart. You know, she’s like, she’s a disciple of focus, he’s a disciple of just, you know, raw ambition, and execution. So I think that you can be ambitious, you can have all of these ideas, but if you don’t focus on, you know, just excellent execution. You know, we’re just as good as nothing. And I, I just, I am so inspired with, you know, Beyonce, his journey and her ability to reinvent herself consistently. But on her own terms, it’s something that I think about I have tried to model in my own life. So I would say if I had to pick two women or two people that, you know, inspire me right now, as a working mother who aspires to excellence. It’s those two women.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, I mean, they’re great. They’re great women to pick. Yes, the what you said about Beyonce excellence in our, her perfectionism, and just her always ability to always kind of push herself and Oprah’s ability to use her platform to share other people’s stories is, you know, kind of my my life’s mission too.

What song are you singing karaoke?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Oh, whoa. Now, there’s a song. Beyonce once again, just came up with a new album. And there’s a song alien superstar and I think I would sing that.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Awesome. Yeah,

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
yeah, either that or numb encore, which is by Jay Z. And I think Linkin Park.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Oh my gosh, I feel like they need to hear this like you’re their biggest fans. I would love to see that. So have you done carry because like, you didn’t hesitate? You know. So have you done karaoke? Do plans to do it?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
I do not have plans but you never know. But I’m always blaring music in my office. It depends on what I’m doing. Like, you know, we’re not in meetings, but when I’m working and I just have music playing in the background. When I go to pick up my kids from school. You know, I’m doing my little jam session in the car before they come. So I love music, music really elevates me.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
So I want to throw in a little context here for those of you who haven’t heard the latest from Beyonce. The song Aishetu is referencing, Alien Superstar, lyrically starts with:
I’m one of one
I’m number one
I’m the only one
Don’t even waste your time trying to compete with me
No one else in this world can think like me

The song is bold and bossy and oh so fitting

Music Interlude

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
What is your biggest fear?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Gosh, my biggest fear is, is is not being around to raise my children till they’re adults.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, that’s a big one for me too.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it’s not even failure with business or any of that other stuff. It’s just, again, down to first principles. Like, I mean, I want to be there for these boys. Until they no longer need me.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Right. Right. Which is such a heart. You know, when does that? I mean, not that that ever happens. I think we always all need our moms, but I know what you’re saying. Yeah, the idea of them, you know, not having the life of their own or a family of their own and, and losing me, you know, on top of that, is just more than I can bear and it feels like I duty as a mother, right? To be able to be there for them and, and my greatest gift and it’s for me, I definitely, you know, people will ask me, well, not not now. But when I first had kids, you know, a lot of my friends were like, so what was the biggest? Like, what’s the biggest change for you, because I had a lot of lifestyle changes but I’m also just the, like, the core of me, the core that shifted a core principle was I was not afraid of death. I just wasn’t i It’s not like I want you know, I was reckless or anything. But I just felt like I lived a very full life and was so blessed. And, and then I had children. And that totally shifted for me. I was like, No, yeah,

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
I know exactly how you feel. Like, I literally believe I cannot afford to die, like three humans that I have got to continue to pour into, until you know, they’re at a certain stage where they’re fully cooked. And then, you know, if God sees it fit to take me, that’s fine. But until then, like, I literally have to be my husband and I, we have to be super careful about everything we do, because we have a bigger purpose.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Absolutely. And also, like after they’re fully cooked, let me like, hang out and enjoy them being. I want to like watch these little like humans, you know, become men. What a gift.

Tell me what is the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Oh, my God. Damn daring thing. I think, five, six years ago, when I decided that, I’d had enough of what looked on the surface of a really amazing life, that I was not very happy with that life. And I was living a life that was not on my terms. And I decided to completely upend my life. And try something new, I think I still can’t believe I pulled it off. I can’t believe I did it. I thought that it could, you know, potentially have negative ramifications for my marriage, my family. But the cost to me personally, and my own, you know, unhappiness and lack of fulfillment was just too high that I was willing to risk it.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, cuz they need you to be happy too. And that’s part of what we want to teach them that you can live a life that you designed by your design and of happineds. And it’s really, you know, teaching is not preaching. Yeah, show by example, to think we learn as, as parents really quickly. Would you mind walking me through that process a little bit like, however you choose, like, you know, was there a moment that you remember that you said, I can’t do this anymore? And was it just that moment that led you to say, Okay, let me think about what else I can do? Or was it like, the thought of what else you could do was so strong that it pulled you out of what you could do?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Yeah, I you know, I had had a career in finance, you know, for a while and I had a really wonderful career. So I don’t want to talk about it. Like it’s something I regret. And I had a wonderful career, a global career, learn so much, just, you know, really, that’s the most amazing people traveled the world. But then, you know, you’d become a mom and you become a mom again and again, and you’re trying to kind of mix all of the things. And it becomes more challenging, particularly when you realize that your goals in life have changed. And so for me, it wasn’t to continue climbing this ladder that I wasn’t really committed to emotionally, the ladder for me was about, you know, paying off student loans and not being broke. And, you know, once you climb out of that, and continue to climb, it’s like, okay, actually, this is not exciting for me, I’m not enjoying this work. It’s taking me away from my family. I’m perennially stressed, you know, what is life about? And we were living in Nigeria at the time. And I, you know, really, but I had switched jobs. If you look at my resume, I mean, I’ve talked for almost every investment bank after the sun, right? So and they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And I was behaving like an insane person. I was like, Okay, let’s try a job in Johannesburg. Let’s try drop in London, let’s try a job for this South Asian bank, let’s do this, let’s I was doing all sorts of things, looking for that pot of gold of satisfaction. And I didn’t get it. And then I got what I tell people, you know, the best bad news of my life, which is that I was diagnosed with severe hypertension. And so my doctor was like, you really have to do something about your stress levels if your lifestyle quote unquote. And I think I was maybe 40, I just turned 40, or about to turn 40 can’t remember exactly. And my dad had had developed heart complications, or in his 40s had a pacemaker put in had triple bypass surgery, and ultimately died of heart failure before he was 60. And so for me, this was like, Oh, come to Jesus moment, like think about your quote, unquote, lifestyle. And so for me, like I said, My greatest fear is not being around to raise my boys and to bond with my family, and to pour into them and have them poured into me. And so it was the easiest decision. But I was petrified. I’m not kidding, I literally had a panic attack, I ended up in the hospital with a panic attack, just thinking about quitting my job, not having a business card, you know, not sitting on the boards, not having an income, like all those things, over 20 years that I had grown to be accustomed to, like losing all of those what I thought will privileges at the time, you know, for the mere fact that I was unhappy, it seemed almost like a selfish thing. But when I knew I was unhappy, and I was sick, it was like, Okay, I should like you have no choice. But to take this risk. So, you know, panic attack, and all, I quit my job, I applied for a fellowship at Stanford, I got accepted, you know, managed to convince my husband to move all the way from Lagos, Nigeria, to Palo Alto, California, you know, flew out before found us a house, found my kids at school, like sorted everything out. And we just started a whole new adventure and a whole new place. And it’s been now five years almost, and it’s just so proud of myself, for believing in myself and for advocating for myself, and my children are happy and my husband is happier. I’m happier. You know, we’re all happier, but it just seemed on the other side is such a risky, you know, almost capricious move. So, yeah, I would say it’s the craziest, bravest riskiest thing I’ve ever done.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yeah, definitely. I think anyone kind of listening to it hasn’t hasn’t done that will have that reaction to it, it’s not easy to leave. You know, it’s, I don’t say a life of comfort because you weren’t comfortable. And that’s what made it kind of added to it. But this kind of design this life design that we’re used to, it’s kind of progression and, and I’ll say even you know, not to single out of culture be to kind of put a lens on it, but I know that like hustle culture in from my husband and in his circle of friends, like it’s hustle culture is alive and well everywhere, but also, like very celebrated. I know particularly and in Nigerian, at least again, I don’t want to paint the full lens because we can see that also in the US too, right? Yeah, I’ve definitely had these conversations with him, you know, as I push towards like, if you don’t have that model growing up of people who have like, kind of, you know, I have the model of both my parents working jobs that they don’t like and you know, continuing to do. So

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
it’s not supposed to like your work like that is not something one should expect. Like, that’s ridiculous what games would be like your work, you do your job to make money to provide for your family, what is liking it have to do with anything?

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
exam stress and all and being away from the family. That’s like all just part of it. And like,

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
yeah, getting together, like, that’s your responsibility as a parent. I wasn’t raised to seek fulfillment, happiness, joy, you know, mission driven lifestyles, that’s not what it was about him, I get it, right. I’m a first generation American who was raised by a single mother who was an immigrant. You know, that’s not where she came from, she did not have that benefit to have the conversation that I was having, you know, years later, and another generation, and I’m so grateful, you know, that I was able to be in this in this in this position, to even say that I could, you know, quit a well paying job, fly across the planet, and, you know, kind of settle myself in a whole new environment, and not get paid an income for a few years before I figured out what I wanted to do. Yeah,

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
it’s definitely not afforded to Yeah, not afforded to most. Yeah. Absolutely. And, but by way to have your risk taking also knowing that you will make it easier, like I said, for your children, you’re setting an example, you’re making it easier for them to then make that choice and follow their joy. Yes. Which is like, what a great thing to be able to say you can do. As a mom. Yeah. So yeah, not that you need me to say it, but I’m proud of you, too.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Thank you.

MUSIC

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
So I feel like I don’t know, I still want you to answer this question. And I asked everyone the same. So I’m not just gonna like leave it out. The question that I asked is, if not your current profession, what would you be doing? And, and so it’s kind of this conversation that we just had those around you you left the profession you were into choose the profession you want? So So maybe, maybe the right way to ask that? This question is, what did you want to be when you grew up? Grew up? Like when you were a little, what did you want to be? Or is there another kind of venture that you might want to take on?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Oh, my gosh, when it’s so funny, I wanted to be where I want to be when I grew up, I I always knew I wanted to be someone who had money. And I think that’s because I didn’t have any money. And I liked things. And I was able to buy things. And I realized things cost money and I had no money. So to get money, how do we get money into like you work? So I was like, Okay, I want to work so that I can buy nice things. So I think what I what I wanted to be when I grew up, I used to have these like visions. I remember one time I wanted to own an airline. At that time, I’d never been on a plane, but I needed to go to like really far away beautiful places. You know, I wanted to own a factory. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a model. I don’t think that I had I wasn’t one of those kids who was like when I grow up, I want to be a doctor. I was committed to it. I wasn’t I just wanted to do something amazing.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Fair enough. And that’s what it was. And I think it’s a great aspiration. You know, like why pigeonhole even part about like, wanting to make my son is that way, he just wants to he’s six years old, and he wants to make money. And I grew up, you know, with poverty mindset, and all of that. And so even that kind of at first was like, uncomfortable for me like, oh, gosh, is he? Like, too materialistic? Is he? And it’s like, no, obviously, like, he, you know, he’s got a grasp on what he’s want. And he’s like, speaking to those core needs. And this is, you know, he’s like, Wait, when he found out like, people make money off tiktoks He’s like, Wait, people make money doing this. He came to me, he’s like, Mom, I can do this. We can make money this way.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
I know. I know this. I think you can teach children not to be like, I don’t value money for the sake of money. Right? So thankfully, I’m not like that. But I do understand the freedom that money gives you because I didn’t have it growing up. And so it’s not like I have boatloads of it now, but I get it. I understand the role of money. And so I you know, I understand money. absolutely

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
appreciate different way and it can be it can be it’s an exchange and I think that’s what I said I didn’t want to like discourage him because he’s like seeing money as an exchange for the things that he wants. He’s like understanding like, Okay, I want to live this way. I want to have these things. Oops. And to do that, I need money. So that’s just like the it’s just the way it is. And even like we’re saying is we’re like designing the life we want, okay, we want to spend more time with our children, and we want to be able to, like, have certain experiences with them. So yeah, it all makes sense. And kids are usually very clear. And I learned a lot from him. And for that, trying to filter out his truth, because he’s usually a lot wiser about things than me, because he has had as many years of like, other people telling him how we should live and what he should think. T

Tell me about a life-changing or life-defining moment.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Life-changing life-defining moments. I think becoming a mom. Yeah, I think becoming a mom, definitely. I mean, you’re a mom, you get it, right? Like the first kid, you’re just like, your heart is ripped open in a way that you’re just looking at this little human being that’s yours. And that has come into this world. And it just changes your perspective, I tell people that I was always spiritual before I, you know, became a mom. But once I had my first child, I became, you know, spiritual to the next level, because I just realized how much my heart was walking around the planet, without me physically being there sometimes and how I had to trust so much. In terms of, of just my joy in this little human being, and then it turned out, you know, when I had a second one, I was worried, you know, will I be able to love the second one, as much as I love this first one, because I loved him so much. And then my heart ripped open again and add more capacity. So you know, and it made me just it changed, you know, how I how I, how I deal with people how I think about the struggles people go through, you just you really, at least in my case, really saw a whole new world when I became a mom.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Absolutely. And even to the point, I would say, I mean, everything that you said, resonates with me. And with you know, people, I’m a I’m a birth worker, so I had these conversations, and actually, it’s not an uncommon answer in this podcast. And I really love that, because there’s so much work that needs to be done around supporting so much of the work that needs to be done around supporting women and leadership and women in business and women in their careers is around helping them be mothers, and not trying to, like cut that part out of like, you know, keep your home at home and, you know, try to function like everyone else does, who doesn’t have children? Because it completely changes everything. And you, there’s no way to prepare for it. I mean, we could say this, and people could listen to it, who don’t have children, and they still would have no idea what we’re talking about. Truly, until you have your own child, I really I mean, I just so my youngest is just a year now and even doing it for the second time. It’s like I feel like I’ve been in a fog for the last year like it’s not only that your heart is like walking out around outside of your body. But it’s also like in that transition, it kind of like at least for me, I like lost who I was like I didn’t, I became someone’s mother. Instead of like being Priscilla. And like souls, Mom.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Oh, yeah, my a whole lot with my friends. Like when they call me and met his mom, I’m like, yo, I just disappeared, I became a mecca. Aishe no longer exists. That happens.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Totally, totally. And that’s a that’s a really that’s a really challenging and important and pivotal opportunity, I think, for our our world at large to show up, and if women had better support systems around that, even starting from work with like childcare, and just the recognition, the recognition that like, you know, we know you’re going through something huge, and we’re not going to try and make you pretend that you’re not and keep going at the level that you’re going. And we and also recognizing like in those times you’re learning we have countless countless conversations about all that we’re learning as mothers to like time manage better time management and like multitasking. So it’s not that we’re just like checking out, we’re in some ways becoming, you know, better leaders stronger, clearer about our focus more effective, because we don’t want to be spending unnecessary time away from our children. So I think there’s really some really beautiful space that we can expand into, as this kind of understanding. And acceptance becomes a common conversation that people are having. I’m excited about the ways that we can reshape and remodel to incorporate working, working women who are mothers. Yep. Is there in our last 10 minutes is there anything else that you would like to share?

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
You know, I just feel like, as women, we have to remember that. You know, particularly if we want to have families, however, we define family or come to family, right, because families are traditional, non traditional, whatever that means now. And I just always, I think we should remember, first of all, we should give ourselves grace, I feel like women can be the meanest to themselves or to ourselves, like, we are so self judgmental. And we can be really hard on ourselves, as we go through the various seasons of womanhood. And so you know, if, if having a family is important to you, you know, just recognize that, who you were, before you started having kids is going to change. And there will be moments, you know, when I was knee deep in the child rearing, raising, period, you know, I couldn’t take the most amazing roles or do all the travel because, you know, I was in the nurturing phase, but then I was able to move out of that season, and do other things. And so I just encourage us to remember that, you know, as there are four seasons in the year, traditionally, you know, our lives will go through seasons, and we really have to say that, you know, somebody told me, do you wear a sweater in the summer? Or are you gonna wear hot pants in the winter? Most likely not. So just make sure you are equipped for the season that you’re in and appreciate it. Appreciate, appreciate the good and the bad of that season, knowing that the next one will come with its own blessings of its own challenges.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Yes. I love that. Absolutely. Absolutely. We all have. And I try to remind myself that too, right? As I’m kind of anxious, I feel like we’re programmed in some ways to be so anxious for what’s next or to be in the next phase. And then when we get there, we’re like

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
somebody else in the summertime. And we’re in winter, we’re like, Oh, my God, I doors phase. Why is she in this phase? What am I doing? I’m just like, you gotta just focus on yourself and give yourself some grace. Everybody’s leaving. And that’s why I said I, I try to compete with myself and not with other people. Because, you know, I can look around and see, you know, I have peers who are probably presidents of countries, but I don’t aspire to be a president United States of America. So there’s no point in comparing myself to something I you know, I consider somebody else’s achieved, like, that’s their journey. That’s their story and they’re in their season. And so the question is, what do I want to do with myself? And how do I make sure I get that done? That’s all I’m focused on.

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
I think that’s a great way to to end the conversation, practicing grace with ourselves. Thank you for just sharing part of who you are and your story with me. I feel really grateful for the time that we’ve had together.

Aishetu Fatima Dozie
Thank you so much for so I really enjoyed this chat. Like I said it was an honor and a privilege to even be asked. So thank you for your time.

Music

Priscilla Brenenstuhl
Thank you for sharing your time with me today. Following the thread of pursuing your passions, our next guest, Dr. Theresa Szczurek, wrote a book outlining Success Strategies for a Rewarding Personal and Business Life. She’ll take us through some of her experiences which surprisingly include hopping trains…

If you are a member of Athena and would like to be featured on an episode, please reach out to me at [email protected]. Your story matters.